Days Gone By
by pam1
Summary: An old friend from the Civil War comes and changes the lives of the Barkleys.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: "Big Valley" and its characters belong to Four Star. I made no profit and no copyright infringement was intended. **

**Setting: 8 years after the Civil War. **

**Days gone by: An old friend from the Civil War comes for a visit with some surprising news.**

Jarrod was busy working in his San Francisco office, attempting to finish up some work so he could accompany his mother and sister to the Symphony that evening when his secretary Mrs. Burke knocked on his door and interrupted him.

Poking her head around the door, Mrs. Burke apologized, "Sorry Mr. Barkley, I know that you don't want to be disturbed, but there is someone here to see you and I know that you would want to speak to them."

Mrs. Burke's tone had Jarrod intrigued; she was a very mild manner woman that didn't fuss much but now she sounded very concerned. "Please show them in."

Jarrod stood and straightened his tie in preparation for meeting his visitor. He didn't have long to wait, Mrs. Burke soon brought in a woman whose age was hard to determine. At one time she was probably a beauty but illness had left her pale and skeletal with pronounced dark circles under her eyes. Her clothing was clean and tidy but the style of her traveling dress indicated that she had it for years, and it hung loosely on her.

Mrs. Burke quickly made the introductions, "Mr. Barkley, this is Mrs. Susan Cramer." With a reassuring pat on the woman's arm, Mrs. Burke added. "Don't worry, everything will be fine." As she left the office, she indicated that she would be in momentarily with some coffee.

"Mrs. Cramer, please sit down." When the woman was seated, Jarrod continued. "What can I do for you?"

"I'm sorry to disturb you but as you can see, I am not well. I have been in turmoil until last month, when I came across this article." The woman paused and handed Jarrod a winkled newspaper clipping that showed a picture of him and Heath with the Governor of California at a fund raiser. "It was used as packaging for some crystal candle sticks that came into the shop where I worked in Chicago. I knew my prayers had been answered."

"You've come from Chicago for my help?"

"Yes, you see, I knew your brother during the war …"

Jarrod flung open the door to his town house shouting. "Mother!" His tone was excited not concerned.

Victoria Barkley regally rose from the chair where she was reading and joined Jarrod in the foyer, gently admonishing him as she walked. "Really Jarrod for a moment I thought that Nick had decided to join us in San Francisco!"

"Sorry. Can you and Audra be ready to catch the 7 o'clock train back to Stockton?"

"Back to Stockton?" Victoria was concerned. "Has something happened at home?"

"No, everything is fine but we need to go back to Stockton tonight. I need to introduce Nick to his son." Jarrod had taken his mother's hands in his as he uttered the last words. At Victoria's confused look, Jarrod continued. "This afternoon an old flame of Nick's came into my office. She had lost her husband early during the war and didn't think she would ever be happy again and then she met Nick. They fell in love during the war."

"I don't recall Nick mentioning a woman from the war." Victoria stated.

"Nick had mentioned her to me when he was in the hospital at the end of the war. He had thought she was dead. She was living in Maryland at the time, marauders had burned her home to the ground, and Nick had been told that everyone had died but she had already left for Chicago after hearing about Nick's death."

Victoria shuddered. She remembered her elation of the war ending had been dashed after hearing Nick had been killed in fighting after the war had ended. For six weeks the family grieved for their lost until they received a telegram from Nick. "Not dead, Love Nick." Jarrod, who was still in Washington trying to find his brother's body to bring home, had been charged with getting the details about his brother's condition. Jarrod had found Nick gravely wounded in a Union hospital grieving his lost love. By the time Nick had returned home, his grief had been tempered.

"She didn't find out she was pregnant until after she was in Chicago. She tried to get information from the army to find us, but there was so many young women claiming to be pregnant by dead soldiers that the army wouldn't release the information. All she knew was Nick was from California and had a brother Jarrod and a sister Audra. Not easy to track us down with that information. A month ago, by chance she came upon an article with my name and picture which mentioned that I was a lawyer in San Francisco. Mother she is dying and she has been worried about who would care for her son when she is gone."

"Maybe the army was right to withhold the information, maybe Nick isn't the boy's father and she is just trying someone to look after him when she is gone."

"Mother, when you see him, you won't have any doubts."

"Where is the boy now?"

"At the park. They arrived this afternoon from Chicago and came directly to my office. Susan thought is would be best if Jonathan could run off some energy before getting on another train. I told her we would meet her at six. So we need to pack and be ready."

Victoria agreed and hurried to inform Audra about the change in plans and to pack.

A carriage dropped the trio at the pre-arranged area. A group of young boys were playing near by. Victoria paused and looked at the boys and caught her breath. Grabbing Jarrod's arm, she spoke in a hushed voice. "Jarrod, is that him?" She pointed to a small boy, whose dark brown hair fell over his forehead. He was obviously the ring leader of the game and his voice could be heard above the other children.

"Yes Mother, that's Jonathan. That's Susan on the bench over there."

Victoria turned to face her grandson's mother. Her heart went out to the young woman who was so obviously sick. Jarrod had given his mother some details about Susan and Jonathan. Back home in Chicago, Susan had a difficult time, she was treated as an outcast, betraying her husband's memory by becoming pregnant by another man. Some of that ill will had also been transferred to Jonathan. Susan thought Jonathan was a lot like Nick. He was very outgoing and boisterous.

Jarrod introduced his mother to Susan and Susan immediately apologized. "Mrs. Barkley, I am so sorry."  
Victoria held up her hand. "Please don't apologize, Jarrod has explained the situation. I am just grateful that you were able to find us."

"Uncle Jarrod!" a young boy's voice interrupted Victoria. Soon Jarrod found himself being hugged by his nephew. "Are we going to meet my father now?"

"Soon Jonathan. But your grandmother and aunt are here now and are eager to meet you."

"Hello Grammy." Jonathan hugged his grandmother. "Is it ok that I call you Grammy, or do you have another name I should call you?"

"Grammy sounds wonderful to me." Victoria answered returning the hug. She then held her grandson at arm's length and looked at him. "You are the image of your father at age 7."

"That is what Uncle Jarrod said. In school I was the smallest kid in my class. Uncle Jarrod said that my father was the shortest in his class until the 4th grade but when he came back to the 5th grade, he was the tallest and stayed the tallest. Do you think I can be tall too?"

"I don't see why not."

"Do you think my father will be happy to meet me?"

"Yes, Jonathan, I think your father will be very happy to meet you. Just as I am."

"I'm real happy to meet you too. I'm happy to meet you Aunt Audra."

"Don't I get a hug?" Audra asked.

Jonathan left his grandmother's arms to hug his aunt.

"We can talk in the carriage and on the train." Jarrod then glanced around. "Susan, where are your things."

"Here they are Uncle Jarrod." Jonathan rushed to the bench were two bags could be found.

Jarrod and his mother exchanged glances but said nothing. Jarrod picked up the bags and lead the party to the waiting carriage. Jonathan kept up a steady flow of chatter throughout the carriage ride. He was only silenced when Jarrod lead them to the family's private railcar. The silence did not last long.

"Wow, Momma have you ever seen something so super in your whole life!"

"No honey I haven't." Susan voice was weak and she glanced around the railcar with a worried expression.

"Susan, are you sure that you're up for traveling? We can spend the night in San Francisco and leave on the train tomorrow."

"Thank you Mrs. Barkley but I would rather see Nick sooner rather then later."

"Is anyone hungry?" Jarrod asked.

"I am!" Jonathan shouted.

"Jonathan must you shout?" his mother said. This caused Victoria, Jarrod and Audra to laugh.

"I've bet you've been saying that to him since he could speak." Victoria stated.

Susan agreed and Jarrod took Jonathan to the dining car to check that they had received his dinner request.

Despite his excitement, Jonathan was asleep when the train pulled into Stockton. Jarrod hadn't sent word that they were arriving that night. Both his mother and he agreed that Nick's first meeting with his son should not be on a depot platform. Jarrod left the women and Jonathan in the railcar while he made arrangements for a buggy and handled the luggage. Once the buggy was loaded, Jarrod picked up his nephew and escorted the group to buggy. His mother settled onto the front bench and Jarrod placed Jonathan on her lap. Jarrod then assisted his sister and Susan into the back seat. Victoria had doubts on whether they should have attempted the journey that night. Susan had grown considerably paler during the trip.

The journey to the ranch was quiet. Susan noticeably gasped when she saw the house. Even in darkness it was impressive. Audra patted her hand. "Despite its size, it is still just a home." Susan mutely nodded.

By the time Jarrod had assisted Susan and Audra down, Ciego was out helping with the buggy. Jarrod reached up and took the still sleeping boy into his arms. Victoria led Susan into the house.

Regardless of the late hour, there was a light burning in the library. Heath and Nick had a long difficult day due to someone making mischief. Several fences had been cut and their cattle had scattered. They came home to a late dinner and decided to play a few rounds of billiards as they discussed who the possible culprit could be. Upon hearing the carriage, they glanced outside. Seeing Jarrod behind the wheel had increased their concern. The two ranchers reached the foyer the same time as the travelers from San Francisco.

"Mother, what's wrong?" Nick shouted causing Jonathan to wake up.

"Is that him?" the boy sleepily asked Jarrod.

"Yes, Jonathan."

Nick didn't hear the question or the response. His gaze was fixed on the woman being supported by his mother and sister. She looked familiar to him but he could place her until she smiled. "Susan?" He asked in an incredulous voice. Heath whose eyes were fixed on the small boy in Jarrod's arms transferred his gaze to the woman.

"Hello Nick. It seems that we were both mistaken regarding the condition of the other." She left the support of Victoria and Audra and walked towards Jarrod. Jonathan had already wormed his way out of his uncle's arms and was practically jumping as he waited for his mother to introduce him.

By now, Nick had noticed the boy and his eyes were as wide as his son's.

"Nicholas Jonathan Barkley, I would like you to meet Jonathan Clark Barkley."

No sooner had the words left his mother's lips, Jonathan throw himself into his father's arms. "Papa, Papa, I am so happy to finally meet you. I thought you were in heaven watching out for me but now I find you alive and well. Ever since I was a little kid I wanted a papa of my own and now I have one." Jonathan paused and regarded his father. "You're not mad are you?"

"No Jonathan, I'm not mad. I am also very happy to meet you." Nick hoisted his son up into his arms and glanced at Susan. "How, what, I don't understand."

"Perhaps we can talk after we get Jonathan settled." Susan replied.

"Oh, I'm not tired." Jonathan replied. Then over Nick's shoulder, he shouted "Hi Uncle Heath!"

"Hello, Jonathan, please to me you."

"I'm pleased too!"

"Jonathan, please let's turn in. The sooner you turn in, the sooner your father and uncles can show you all the horses and cattle."

"Will you teach me to be a cowboy?" Jonathan asked his father.

"I'll teach you to be the best da.. umm, very best rancher there is."  
"Tomorrow?"

"We can start tomorrow but only if you get a good night's sleep tonight."

"How many families live here?"  
"Just us."

Just the five of you?"

"Six, you haven't meet Silas yet."

Susan cut off her son. "Jonathan, please bed now, questions answered tomorrow." Susan couldn't disguise the weariness from her voice.

"Yes, Momma" Jonathan said in a subdued voice, even at his young age, he knew just how tired his mother was.

Before they left Chicago, Susan had explained to Jonathan that she was very sick and would be leaving him soon. Upon learning of Nick, she spent a portion of the afternoon explaining that Nick hadn't really been dead, she just thought he was. When she died, there would be no coming back. During her discussion with Jarrod, she knew that her son will be safe and cared for. Jarrod had carefully listened to her story. He asked a few questions and made a few comments. She wasn't sure if Jarrod believed her or not. However once he saw Jonathan she knew that Jarrod was convinced. She was surprised when she saw the private railcar. Nick had often talked of his ranch and described it as large but never mentioned the actual size. He described his family with much love but never the house itself. Nick never mentioned that his family was wealthy. She was grateful at the warm acceptance that the family had shown them. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that each family member had accepted Jonathan as one of their own and she knew that they had already taken him into their hearts. Although she hated to be parted from her son, she could leave him with the knowledge that he would grow up surrounded in love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning death of an original character.**

Nick was settling into fatherhood and often in the last 5 weeks he found himself wishing things had been different and he had known of Susan's pregnancy. He had offered to marry Susan when she first arrived but she had declined. Susan down played the difficulties she faced as an unwed mother but Jonathan inadvertently let things slip. As often as he wished he had known of his son's existence sooner, he was grateful he knew of it now. Susan had confessed that there were no friends or relatives willing to take the boy in. Upon her death, Jonathan would have been placed in an orphanage. She had stated that receiving the clipping with the information on how to contact Jarrod had been an answer to her prayers. She also stated that she took a risk in coming to California, if the family had not accepted her story; Jonathan would have ended up in an orphanage in California, in an area that he was unfamiliar with since Susan doubted she would have had the strength to make the return trip. Susan declared that it was her remembrance of Nick's stories regarding his family that prompted her to take the risk. There were not words that could describe her relief at how well things had turned out for Jonathan.

Things were not well for Susan. Dr. Merar confirmed that there was no hope and that Susan only had a brief time left. Nick was pleasantly surprised at the town's acceptance of Jonathan and compassion for Susan. Several agreed with Silas and believed it was divine providence that brought Jonathan to his rightly place. What were the odds that the crystal candle sticks packaged in San Francisco would be wrapped in that particular piece of paper, that the box in which they were contained in, would make it to Chicago and Susan would be the one to open it. Nick thanked the Lord every night for this miracle.

Heath hurrying to intercept him brought him out of his thoughts.

"Nick, hold up. You need to be prepared."

"Has Susan taken a turn for the worse?" Nick asked in a concern voice. He started to run for the house when Heath's words stop him.

"No, there is no change in Susan. Sorry to worry you. It has something to do with what Jonathan said."

"Heath, he heard you singing that song. I told you Mother wouldn't appreciate it."

"No, it wasn't the song. He was talking about how wonderful it was that he found you and how lucky he was." Nick smiled and Heath continued. "Then he said he knew for sure that you didn't know about him because neither you nor his mother would have kept the two of you apart. Now here is the part that you need to be prepared to face. He then said he wondered how many other kids you had that you didn't know about. And even if they were older then him, it wouldn't matter because he would have known you the longest."

"Oh no. How upset was Mother?"

"Everyone was speechless. Jonathan then switched to talking this morning's riding lesson. But I just wanted to prepare you in case the subject came up."

"Thanks." Nick slowly walked to the house. His mother, Susan and Jonathan were in the rose garden. Nick watched as Susan and her son interacted. Jonathan was going to miss her so much. No matter how much everyone loved him, no one would be able to replace his mother. Nick fondly recalled some of his childhood memories of his mother and him and regretted that Jonathan wouldn't be able to share such memories with Susan.

The family got through dinner without anyone mentioning Jonathan's comments. Susan had turned in the same time as Jonathan and the rest of the family was gathered in the library.

"Nick, Jonathan said something interesting this afternoon."

Nick's back was to his mother so she didn't see his panicked expression. Nick had been sidetracked by his sorrow on Jonathan and Susan's lost opportunities and hadn't prepared a defense. Suddenly it occurred to him.

"Jonathan is going to miss his mother so much when she is gone. Today I saw the three of you in the garden and I remember so many events from my childhood that you and I shared. Jonathan won't get that chance."

Victoria was diverted. "No, he won't"

"Remember when I was small. We used to have Barkley men camping trips? You had to stay home because Audra was too small to go. Father used to take just Jarrod and me. I remember being so excited to be on the trip and so sad when it was time to leave. The only thing that got me to leave was the fact that I could relive the entire trip when I got home and told you about it. Jonathan has never been camping. He never got to tell his mother about his adventures. Do you think it would be ok to take Jonathan on an overnight camp out? Close to home so that if something happened we could quickly get back but enough of an adventure that Jonathan would have something to tell Susan about. "

"Nick, I think that is a wonderful idea. Be sure to talk it over with Susan before you mention it to Jonathan. You haven't mentioned it to Jonathan yet have you?" Victoria asked.

"Not yet. I wanted to get your opinion before I brought it up."

"So, is it just father and son or is it Barkley men?" Jarrod asked.

"Barkley men if either of you want to join us."

"I'm in!" Heath stated.

"I would like to join you as well." Jarrod answered.

"Why Barkley men, why not Barkley period." Audra sulked.

"So Jonathan won't worry about why his mother can't come. Besides, if something goes wrong, I am going to need you to come get us. One of the men wouldn't be able to deal with Jonathan as well as you."

Audra was appeased at Nick's reasoning and prayed that she wouldn't need to interrupt their trip. She had become very attached to her nephew's mother.

"When will we go?" Heath asked.

"Soon, in the next couple of days." Nick said. Susan was rapidly deteriorating and if they waited too long, Jonathan wouldn't get the chance to share it with her. The remainder of the night was spent planning the trip.

As they headed up to bed, Victoria stopped Nick. "That is very thoughtful of you to want Jonathan to have these memories of Susan."

"There are so many things that I wish for Jonathan. I wish Susan wasn't dying, I wish Father could have known him. I wish.. I try to focus on what we have and not what was missed but it's hard." Nick paused briefly and spoke again. "Jonathan is the only good thing that came out of me fighting in that war. If I hadn't signed up, I would have never met Susan and we wouldn't have Jonathan now. Susan was not a loose woman. She did not sleep around; we courted for a while and exchanged letters when I was away. Time and life are precious but during war, they are even more so. Soldiers and widows know better then anyone how short it could be. There isn't always the opportunity to do things in the right order but I would have done right by Susan. Please don't think that I take these things lightly."

Victoria looked at her son's earnest face, lying a hand on his cheek, she said "I know you do Nick. But it is nice to hear you say it." Victoria knew that Nick had been briefed on Jonathan's earlier comment, but it didn't matter. She knew without a doubt that Nick spoke from the heart. After a brief pause, she continued. "Your father would have loved Jonathan. And he would be proud, just as I am, of how you have handled this situation."

Susan when queried the next day readily agreed to the camping trip. Jonathan when told wanted to leave immediately but consented to wait until the next day. The Barkley men left after breakfast the following day. Jonathan who had never ridden a horse prior to his arrival in California was thrilled that he got to ride his own mount to the campsite. The site itself was normally a little more then an hour's ride from the house but they stopped several times so that Jonathan would not be too sore when they reached the campsite and pointed out some of the ranch to him. Setting up the camp didn't take long and by the time it was done it was time to eat the lunch that Silas had prepared. Fishing and storytelling had the Barkley men busy until it was time for dinner. Nick teased Heath that he didn't want to turn Jonathan off camping so he should cook the fish dinner. More stories took up the evening until it was decided it was time for Jonathan to turn in. The boy readily lied down in the bed roll but the night sounds kept him awake.

Nick noticed his son predicament and called out to him. "Jonathan, do you want to come over by me?"

Not wanting to appear like a baby, Jonathan declined.

As time past, Jonathan grew tenser. Nick noticed and once again called over to Jonathan. "If you are cold, you can come over by me."

"Well, I am a little cold." Jonathan replied. Picking up his bedroll, the boy scurried over to his father's side. Shortly after settling in beside Nick, Jonathan was sound asleep.

"Some things never changed" Jarrod whispered.

"Whaddya mean?" Heath whispered back.

"When Nick and I returned home after the war, the family went on a camping trip. Audra, who was only a couple of years older then Jonathan at that time, was having trouble settling down. Mother offered to take her into the tent with her and Father. Of course, Audra wanted to prove to Nick and I how much she had grown in the time we had been away so she refused. So after a while, Nick told Audra if she was cold, she could come over by him and he would keep her warm."

"Well, all her fussing was keeping me awake." Nick quietly muttered.

"Sure Nick." Heath replied with a chuckle. "Did you go on many campouts?"

"Not many. Father was away a lot when we were young. Then Jarrod returned to finish his law degree after the war. Two years later, Father died. We've gone on them since then, but they weren't the same." Nick replied.

"Well, our camping trips are changing for the better I might add. Too bad Susan isn't well enough to go to the lodge. Jonathan would love it there." Jarrod said.

"Dr. Merar thinks she only has a very short time left. Jonathan is too young to lose this mother." Nick said.

"There is never a good time to lose your mother." Heath sadly stated. "Jonathan knows he is loved by all of us and that will help. Audra was only a few years older then Jonathan when she lost her father. She got through it and so will Jonathan."

"Jonathan won't have to deal with this alone and neither will you." Jarrod added. Heath nodded his agreement.

"Thanks, I appreciate it. And I know that I am going to need as much help as you all are willing to give to me to help Jonathan through this."

"No thanks needed. I seem to recall hearing that is what family is for. To help celebrate the good times and to help deal with the bad ones." Heath said.

The brothers quietly talked a while longer. The next morning after a leisurely breakfast, the group packed up to go back. Jonathan was a little sad that the adventure was ending but when Nick reminded him that his mother was eagerly waiting to hear all about it, his spirits rose. Jonathan kept a steady flow of questions and observations on the trip home. As soon as he dismounted, Jonathan rushed into the house to fill his mother in with all the wonderful things he had done. He proudly boasted that he got to sleep in his clothes, hadn't washed and got to eat his dinner out of the cooking pot. Throughout his retelling, Susan wore a happy sad expression. She was happy that she got to hear about her son's adventure and sad that she would never share another one.

Four days after they returned from the camping trip, Susan passed away. Jonathan was crushed and clung to his father, crying for his mother. Nick tried the best he could to calm his son.

"Momma's really gone isn't she? She isn't incorrectly dead like you."

"She is really gone." Both Nick and Susan had spent the weeks since their reunion prepping Jonathan for this event. They knew that Susan and Jonathan's incorrect belief that Nick was dead would make it harder for Jonathan to grasp her death as final. "You're not going to see your mother again or get to hold her. But she is always with you. You have a lot of wonderful memories and even though she is gone, she still loves you."

"She won't forget me in Heaven will she?"

"No, she is going to be looking out for you from Heaven."

"Papa, you're not going to leave me are you?"

"Hopefully not until you are a very old man. But you're never going to be alone. When I am away on a cattle drive or buying trip, you'll have your grandmother, aunt and uncles to take care of you." Heath would be leaving in a week for a cattle drive; the family agreed with Nick that it would be too soon for him to leave Jonathan.

"Will I get to go on your drives and trips with you?"

"When you get bigger, but for now your primary job will be school."

Jonathan shot Nick an alarmed look. "You won't send me away to school will you?" Jonathan had come during the summer break and had yet to visit the Stockton school.

"No, there is a school in town. You met the teacher, Miss Pierce. Sometimes your Aunt Audra or your Grandmother act as the substitute teacher. "At Jonathan's quizzical look, Nick asked, "What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure if Grammy or Aunt Audra being my teacher is a good thing or a bad thing."  
"Trust me, if you're causing trouble in school, it won't matter who the teacher is, your Grandmother is going to hear about it."

"In the first grade, I did pretty good in school but it's hard to be inside all day and Momma sometimes had to help me with my lessons." Jonathan paused for a moment in then continued in a sad voice. "I didn't get in a lot of trouble, only when the other kids called me that name or said something bad about my Momma." Then in a defiant voice, "If someone says something bad about my Momma, I'm going make 'em stop, even if you and Grammy don't like it."

"Well Jonathan if someone says something bad about your Mother, I wouldn't blame you if you did. But please remember, no matter who says it, it isn't true. They didn't know her and she did nothing wrong."

"Uncle Heath was growed up when he came to live here, right" At Nick's nod, Jonathan continued. "And he has a different mother, someone other then Grammy." Again Nick confirmed. "Grammy lets him call her Mother cause his real mother is dead."

"Yes, and because she loves him just as much as if he was her son."

"If you got married would I need to call her mother?" Jonathan asked.

"I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon, but if I did, she would know that we were a packaged deal. I wouldn't marry anyone that wasn't prepared to be your mother. But I wouldn't make you call her mother if you didn't want to. "

"OK, just so you know that I am not going to forget my Momma no matter how many wives you get."

"Jonathan I would never ask you to forget or replace your mother. The heart is the only thing in the whole world that never gets too full. It will just keep growing in order to be able to hold all the love you have. Heath didn't stop loving his mother just because he started loving your grandmother. He didn't forget about her when he started calling your grandmother Mother. Nothing or no one will ever take away the love you have for your mother. It won't die just because she did and I wouldn't want it to."

"Even if you got a wife?"

"Even if I get married."

In a very sad voice Jonathan once again asked his father "Are you sure that my Momma is really gone?"

"Yes Jonathan, I'm sure she is really gone." Jonathan buried himself against his father's shoulder and sobbed.

The next few weeks, Nick took his family up on all offers of assistance. Gone was the chatty, energetic boy; in his place was a quiet, withdrawn boy. Jonathan withdrawal was understandable but still concerned his father. When their father was killed, Audra got angry and rebellious. Nick expected the same from Jonathan seeing that Audra was close to Nick in temperament and before his mother's death Jonathan also seemed to share a similar temperament. Now Jonathan was closer to Heath in temperament. Nick began to wonder if his brother was always so quiet or if his mother's death was the cause. Nick had to wait for Heath to return from the cattle drive before he could question him.

When Heath pulled in, the first words out of his mouth were "How's Jonathan?"

"Quiet, withdrawn, lost. He doesn't want to go riding or fishing or have any fun." Nick replied.

"It is understandable." Heath said.

"Yeah, I guess it is but doesn't mean I'm not concerned. Were you quiet when you were a kid?"

"Yeah, being the town bastard, I didn't want to call attention to myself. Then as I got older I realized that the less I spoke, the more people listened when I spoke. I was never very talkative."

"I don't want to force Jonathan but I don't want him to bury himself. And I know that Susan wouldn't want him to either."

"Have you told him that?"

"What? That I don't want him to bury himself?"

"Yes, but more importantly that Susan wouldn't want him to."

"I guess not. We have spoken about Susan. We kind of let Jonathan set the pace. We don't want to push him but we also want him to realize that it is ok to talk about her. Do you think I should talk about the way he's been?"

"I don't see how it can hurt."

Despite's Nick's warnings, Heath was surprised at how reserved Jonathan was. He had gotten very accustomed to getting hugs from his nephew, now all he got was a sad hello. Heath tried to engage the boy by telling him about the cattle drive, and at times it seemed to work. But no sooner did a ghost of a smile pass his lips then it would quickly be removed by a sad expression.

As Nick oversaw Jonathan's bedtime preparation, he made a comment. "You didn't seem too happy to see your Uncle Heath."

Jonathan looked at his father but made no reply.

"Jonathan, you don't blame us for your mother's death, do you?"

His son shot him an alarmed look. "No Papa. I knew Momma was going to die before we even knew we were coming to California. It's nobody's fault."

"You know your Mother loved you very much and would want you to be happy." Nick watched his son nod his head and continued. "And your smiling and laughing and being happy again, doesn't mean that you've forgotten your mother or you don't love her any more." Nick saw the doubt cross his son's face. "I know you miss your mother but do we make you unhappy?"

Jonathan paused his nighttime ritual and looked at the floor. In a quiet voice he said, "I'm afraid."

Nick was shocked but managed to remain calm. "You're afraid of us?" As hard as he tried, he couldn't keep the sadness out of his voice.

Jonathan nodded his head once. In a small voice, he said, "I don't ever want to feel this way again, so I ain't never gonna love anybody as long as I live."

"Oh, Jonathan, you can't stop loving people, life doesn't work that way. Do you think that not loving anyone is easy? It is a lot of work and every day you're going to feel alone. You know when someone you love dies, you're not suppose to spend all your time thinking about how much you miss them. You should spend your time remembering how happy that they made you." Jonathan looked surprised at that.

"I remember Momma making me happy. We've talked about it. Remember I told you about the time in the park when Momma got the kite caught in the tree and the songs Momma sang and lots of things."

"I know you've told us that but only when we've asked you about it. When you're alone, do you remember those times or do you remember how it feels now?"

Jonathan didn't reply and when Nick hugged him didn't respond. "Jonathan any time you want to talk, or yell or whatever, you come find me. OK?"

Again Jonathan didn't reply. Once Jonathan was settled into bed, Nick headed to his own; he wanted to be on his own to think. Nick was still sitting in the chair beside his bed long after the rest of the family had gone to bed. He was thinking it was time to turn in when he saw the door to his room slowly open and Jonathan poke his head in.

"Is now an OK time to talk?" the boy asked hesitantly.

"Sure now is fine."

"How do you know that I am not supposed to spend my time missing Momma?"

"Well, unfortunately I've lost a lot of people that I loved. So I have been through this before."

"You have? When did it stop hurting?"

"There is no set time on these things. You know sometimes it still hurts when I think about my father and he has been dead 6 years. But when I start to get sad because I miss my father so much, I remember that he wouldn't want me sad. Then I remember all the happy times and I am not sad any more."

"Do you think your father minds that you're not sad that he is gone?"

"I know that my father doesn't mind because he loved me very much and would want me to be happy. I also know that your mother loved you very much. When she was alive did she want you to be happy or sad?"

Jonathan was surprised at the question. "She did everything she could to make me happy."

"And that hasn't changed because she has died. It is ok to sometimes be sad and miss her. But it is also ok to be happy and have fun again."

"Papa, you know it has been real hard trying not to love people any more. It hurts almost as much as missing Momma."

"I'm sure it does."

"What am I gonna do? I'm afraid to love someone cause I'll be so sad when they die but it makes me sad not to love 'em."

"You know there is a saying 'It is better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.' It means the more you love, the happier your memories are. The more happy memories you have, the easier it is to deal with the pain of losing someone."

"So by loving someone, I hurt less now and I hurt less when they die?"

"Exactly."

"And since my Momma loved me, she would want me to make more happy memories even if she isn't in them."

"Right again."

Jonathan stood by his father pondering all that was said. Like his father, he liked to come to his own conclusions. And like his father, when he came to those conclusions, he went full steam ahead. "I love you Papa." He cried throwing himself into his father's arms.

"I love you too, son."

Father and son spent a good deal of the remainder of the night talking and making plans. Therefore they were last ones to the dining room.

Their tardiness was forgotten when Jonathan ran up to his grandmother and threw his arm around her, "I love you Grammy."

Victoria pulled him tighter into her embrace and said "I love you too sweetheart."

"Well Heath, I hope you had a restful time on the cattle drive because we got a full day ahead of us." Nick spoke briskly.

Heath was taken aback at Nick's tone. He was surprised that Nick could be anything other then over the moon since Jonathan was so animated and happy, exactly what Nick had been hoping for. "Sure, what do you have lined up for today?"

"Jonathan, do you want to let your Uncle know what all needs to be done today."

"Fishing!"

"Fishing?" Heath asked.

"Yep, me and Papa are going fishing and you can all come if you want."

"Is this just a Barkley men fishing trip or are all Barkleys invited." Audra asked.

"All Barkleys." Jonathan declared. "Can we have the fish for supper?"

"A fish dinner sounds like a wonderful idea" Victoria stated. "Shall we see if Silas can make us a picnic lunch?"

"I'll go!" Jonathan shouted and left the room calling out to Silas.

"Nick, what on Earth did you do or say to Jonathan?" Victoria questioned.

"I took Heath's advice and told him his mother wouldn't want him to be sad all the time. He told me he was afraid to love anyone. But after some thought, he decided he was willing to risk loving again. I don't think we are out of the woods yet, but I think that we have at least broken camp." Seeing Jonathan approach with a plate full of fresh pancakes, Nick changed the conversation. "So who is coming fishing with us?"

All members of the family replied that they were going.

The day was a success, but as Nick predicted, the sad days weren't over but in time they did lessen but that's another story.

quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson.


End file.
